Running Out Of Hands

I tried on a size ten pair of jeans today, and not only did they fit … they fit comfortably!

I’m now 151 lbs, just a bit less than right before I got pregnant with M.

I’m pretty sure cutting out the wheat has made a HUGE difference. The first few days were really hard. Really, really hard. Not just because I wasn’t eating wheat. Because that afternoon slump sent me searching for something, anything to eat. I craved crackers, bread, carbs of any kind!

But now? I’m not getting that slump. And yes, I’m still sleep deprived, which makes it even more interesting. Why? Because before, I’d need something to perk me up even more in the afternoon, if I was so tired.

I’ve had some wheat – intentionally – for the past few days. To see how I am. A burger on a bun one day, two cookies another, something one other day. No bad symptoms.

Hunh.

That’s okay. I’ll have it now and then, and still get tested for it and possibly other allergies. But … I kind of like not eating much wheat. I like how I feel. I like how I don’t need food as a prop to keep me going.

As an example, I’ll have oatmeal and a fruit in the morning, around 7 am, and not feel hungry at all until noon or 1 pm. And then I don’t have to eat much to feel content. I might have a small snack in the afternoon (a handful of nuts or some cheese and a banana), but be okay.

The weight loss is a bonus.

And I think this is why I lost weight so fast and easily after A was born, just over seven years ago. I wasn’t eating cookies and crackers. I wasn’t eating bread and toast throughout the day. The snacking started when she got older and I snacked with her.

Oh – I’m also eating a lot more (usually homemade) soup too. It’s filling, you can flavour it however you like, and it’s fun to slurp from a mug! Usually a vegetable soup, and not brothy, watery. I like a thicker soup like tomato, squash, potato, etc.

Have a good night!

Too tired to say much more than that.

M has been waking three times a night for almost two weeks now. I think. Over a week, for sure. My brain is getting fuzzy.

Last night he woke at around 11:30 pm and did not go back to sleep until 2 am. Well, that’s when I gave up and laid down with him to see if that would work. It may have been fifteen minutes later that he did fall asleep. Then he woke at 5 am and then at 7:10 am. At 5 am, he wouldn’t go in his crib – he cried hard – even though he had ha fresh diaper on and he’d nursed.

Why was he awake for two and a half hours, crying, last night? I changed his pajamas in case they were itchy. I held him and patted him in case he needed to burp. I gave him Tempra in case it was his teeth (none have come through yet). Nothing worked.

To sleep, perchance to dream.

I miss that.

I’m in my bed, in my pajamas, with K. He’s in his pajamas too. I think I managed a five minute snooze – he keeps talking.

Shower time, I guess. M has been in his crib, sleeping, for an hour now and has peeped a bit.

What do I want to scream?

STOP FUCKING CRYING!!!!!!

I am SO sick of M’s crying, squealing and screaming being the background noise of the day.

And I really wish he’d nap more than two hours a day. Two naps, one hour each.

I’m ready to scream. Throw something.break the ever loving shit out if something inanimate (like go at wood with a sledgehammer).

Yeah. The ugly side of me.

But I won’t do any of that stuff. I’m just SO frustrated. It’s like colic with a 5.5 month old.

Good thing he’ll be in bed soon.

Oh. Wait. Then he will wake at 10 pm, 3 am and 6 am. And it will start aaaaallllll over again.

Okay, three hours later and I’m feeling better. All four kids are in bed and I’ve been reading for a bit. Listening to the silent buzz of the baby monitors (one for M’s room and one for R and K’s room – A doesn’t need one).

I’m thinking, in hindsight, which is always 20/20, that perhaps M would have done better if DH hadn’t kept A, R and K away for the day. He thought I’d have a nice time with some peace and quiet while M napped. Heck, I thought I would. M is a cranky little one. Needy, too. But it helps when one of the others can distract him a bit so I can go with 15 minutes with two hands instead of 7-10 minutes.

That’s usually about as long as M stays happy somewhere that’s not in my arms – bouncy chair, exersaucer, playmat. Okay, he’s not that bad … but almost.

My most peaceful times today were a walk to the grocery store and the one hour afternoon walk. M was awake for most of both walks (!) but it was nice to move. To breathe in fresh air. To be out of the house.

Anyhoo. I feel like I’m talking to myself here, so I’ll stop.

G’night!

Why do I think that? Because the only wheat thing I had yesterday was one mini doughnut. One. No cookies, except for some peanut butter ones that were egg, pb, sugar and some oats I ground up. I craved something sweet.

Man, was I frustrated yesterday.

But last night I was gassy and kinda uncomfortable. Sorry if TMI. But I was. No pain though, like I’ve had before.

Today – not a thing with wheat. Nadda, zip, zilch.

What I have had is:

• oatmeal with brown sugar
• a few non-wheat cookies
• water
• blueberries
• some “quick bread” I made from the recipe on the back of a tapioca package – rice flour, tapioca flour, four (!) eggs, baking powder and soda, sugar, concentrated juice and one or two other simple things
• lunch of leftover rice and sautéed onion & garlic, carrot, zucchini, and some bacon bits thrown on top, with a wheat-free (based on the ingredient list) teriyaki dressing

And I’m a wee bit bloated and, sigh, yes, gassy. I was last night, too.

So what the ‘ell?

(can’t bring myself to type the “h” word, just can’t bring my hands – or thumbs – to type it)

I had potatoes yesterday. They actually can give similar responses when you’re allergic or have a tolerance problem.

Not that I’m getting obsessed or anything. Or becoming a hypochondriac

A nice bonus from skipping out on the wheat? My hands have cleared up. Actually, until yesterday, I hadn’t had any potatoes in a week either – I used them all up for Christmas dinners and lunches. And my hands ached and itched and looked kind of raw for a few days after the marathon of slicing and dicing those pommes de terres, as always.

Lack of wheat isn’t driving me crazy today. It’s like an addiction – you crave what you can’t (or shouldn’t) have.

…

On a completely different note …

It’s the Eighth Day Of Christmas today. Day of Circumcision, if you’re curious. To celebrate that and Jesus Christ’s naming. I didn’t know that, until a friend posted it on FB and I just had to look it up

May 2012 be a fabulous year for all

(I’m spending part of the evening making bread – regular – for my family and peanut butter cookies … the egg-sugar-pb kind plus some pulverized oats. Oh, and watching some tv snuggled up to my hubbie)

Aside from being in a crabby mood all day, I’m getting frustrated.

Before I say more, I will get tested about wheat. I’d rather have an intolerance than celiac disease. Or have it be an intolerance to something else that’s usually in bread.

Anyway. I feel like I don’t have many options. I know there are options, but I don’t want to run out and buy xanthum gum, sorghum, etc. I did buy a pack of tapioca flour today, though. The No Frills by me has some gluten free items, including cookie mix, pancake mix and brownie mix. There are also a few Bob’s Red Mill products (I bought ground flaxseed a while ago, to add to R’s smoothies).

So, since I’m not going all out (or obsessing, as DH might put it), I feel like there’s nothing to eat. Fruit and veggies are fine and dandy, but they get boring. Steamed, raw, stir fried, whatever.

Sigh.

I made rice flour today, but I guess I didn’t grind it enough in the blender (I was getting tired of the noise – sad, eh?). I tried making roti, and it tasted okay, but the texture was blah. I also made cornbread, and with a piece reheated with a dollop of jam on top, it’s not bad.

Maybe I’m a bit depressed. And it’s been dark for a few days and my sleep has been wacky.

I’m hungry. I want pasta and sauce, or pizza (which we had tonight, and I use the term “we” loosely, since I didn’t). I want buttered bread. I want Shreddies.

That said, I did buy a spaghetti squash to have with pasta sauce – I’d forgotten about that fella – after a friend on FB mentioned it.

But in general … blah diddity blah. Maybe I’ll eat some chips later.

(Have I mentioned that I’m avoiding apples [makes M spit up if I eat them], avoiding milk [same reason, though amounts of cheese seem fine], avoiding larger amounts of nuts [could be contributing to M's face rash, which keeps flaring up, bad]? Did I lose you there, in that weird list? I feel so limited. I’d eat cookies, but then tomorrow afternoon I’ll feel like someone punched me repeatedly and spend some uncomfortable time in the bathroom)

Bah.

For various reasons, I bought a Kobo Vox last night.

Ungrateful me felt kinda gipped at Christmas. I feel bad about feeling that way, but DH got me socks, face cream and a nice cake stand. And while I’ve wanted a cake stand for a while (he listened!), it was his moms. And the face cream? He bought it after I asked him to get me a new one when he was at Walmart. And I need socks like there’s no tomorrow.

And while I know that his mom would be happy that I have her cake stand (she doesn’t know, due to advanced Altzeimers), he actually didn’t tell me right away. Not until after, from the kitchen, I overheard his aunt say that his moms cake stand should be kept, not pitched with some other stuff from her house, and I heard him hush her a bit.

So … ungrateful me. Ungrateful because the kids got a few things (kept it low key – clothes from us, one gift from Santa and some stocking things), and are happy. Because DH got some neat things (like an iPhone clock dock, from me and a remote helicopter from my brother). Because we had some great dinners and a lunch, and got to see family from Listowel. I should be grateful!

But. I kinda wanted something neat. I wasn’t expecting an iPad or anything, but even a small kitchen scale, anything fun that required a tad more effort!

And then I read that a few friends got iPads. Jealous – not in a mean way, because I’m happy for them – so maybe envious, not jealous.

I’d been reading about the Kindle, Kindle Fire, Kobo Touch, Kobo Vox, Blackberry Playbook, etc. for a while. Perhaps it was my dad that put that bug in my ear, because he’d been talking about them for a while. I read about pro’s and con’s of them all. Thought colour would be nice, read about Android being the OS behind some, etc. Read about the different open and closed markets.

…

I bought a Kobo Vox last night. With tax, $191-something. Kobo is Canadian, which is cool. It seemed neat and you can load extra stuff on it from either the store or a card. Movies, books, other apps. The graphics are nice and crisp and reading is pretty cool. The web browser is simple – good enough – but a tad slow. FB? It’s the mobile web version. If you go to FB on an iPhone via Safari, what you get is what you see on the Vox.

It’s a nice little reader, but I kinda wanted more from it.

I bought it (as opposed to just looked at in the store) because the demo at Chapters didn’t have access to the internet, so I wanted to try it out at home. And I asked two different people there about getting a REFUND, as opposed to in-store credit. Refund it is, within 14 days.

…

I’m returning it.

I like how my iPod Touch runs, looks and functions. I just would like something … bigger. Screen size-wise. Both Kindle and Kobo have free apps for the i-whatever’s (iPad, iPhone, iPad). And they’re okay, actually.

I’ve been spoiled by an Apple product, and how responsive and well it runs!

So I shall save, slowly, oh so slowly, and keep the money from things I sell (like the exersaucer, when M has outgrown it). And I will get an iPad when I already have the money.

By then, there will be an iPad 3.

Who am I kidding! By the time I can save $500+, there will be an iPad 4, LOL!

I’m okay with that. And I need to swallow my ungratefulness and be grateful for what we have already.

So yeah, my digestive tract seems a bit messed up. Ever since we were at Great Wolf Lodge, though I’m not blaming them.

Then I didn’t seem to get better and I wasn’t interested in eating. great for weight loss, not so great in general.

I felt better, until I ate. Then I didn’t feel great at all.

Then I realized what I was eating before feeling unwell. A sandwich, on whole wheat bread. Pasta for dinner … whole wheat pasta. Pizza, on bread. Breaded cheese sticks and meatballs (with bread crumbs). If I ate something that didn’t have wheat, I was okay.

So I mostly avoided wheat products for a few days. Lost weight. Felt better. I ate the odd cracker (bread and wheat products are so hard to avoid!) and was fine.

Then I ate a grilled cheese sandwich at my parents. On whole wheat bread. And just as I was finishing the last bite, my guts started feeling bad. Bloated, pain, etc.

So, from trial and error, it would appear that white flour things don’t bug me (I can have a few cookies, for example), but whole wheat anything hits me quick.

And today? I had chicken fingers and fries at Costco. Everything on their menu had flour in it, so I went with the least amount. I felt okay, too, after.

Until half an hour ago. Blech.

I did see my doctor on Wednesday, and he told me that the test is $125. Not OHIP covered. It says if celiac disease is the cause or not. I don’t know if there is a wheat allergy test or not. Because it the holidays, I passed for now – I wouldn’t be able to get away, even for a blood test – but I will get it done soon.

After chatting with DH, I may have had issues for a while. I’d eat Shreddies in the morning, and an hour later I’d be on the can (sorry if TMI). I thought, at the time, that I was being “regular”. But there are other things too. The discomfort. The bloat.

The pain was only recently. It was like I’d been punched a few times in my gut. Almost like bad labour contractions.

And, sadly, R is having possible issues as well. He goes at least three times a day. Complains of belly pain shortly after dinner. And has looser movements most of the time.

Dang.

I haven’t done a Thankful Thursday in a long time! I’ve been so grumpy lately that I need to see the positives!

(had to laugh, though, as the auto-correct turned grumpy into frumpy!)

1. I’m thankful that I didn’t go overboard with Christmas. In fact, I may have toned it down more than ever, though the kids will be happy, don’t worry I just planned things differently.

2. I’m thankful for DH’s ex-coworker that he keeps in touch with still. Her daughter has celiac disease, and was able to give me some info and “hands on” advice. I have an issue with wheat, and upon reflection, I may have had an issue for eight plus years. Just didn’t know it – only recently did I feel pain and bloating after eating, say, a grilled cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread.

3. I’m thankful that my children are all healthy (despite the odd cold) and happy (despite the daily grumbles). They frustrate me, but also bring me much joy.

4. I’m thankful that ivfound my wallet – and that I only put a hold on my master card, not canceling it outright. I paid $10 for a new drivers license, but I needed one anyway since I hadn’t changed my address. My bad. I figure the fee is my little punishment for not doing that nine months ago, LOL!

5. I’m thankful that DH and I talk about our money, make decisions *together* about what we spend it on, and are open about it all, including having a joint account for the main money and seperate accounts for “our own” spending money.

6. I’m thankful for … um, this is getting harder! Thankful for the joy that a friend has from her recent engagement. It’s wonderful ul to know she gets to feel that joy, and I’m thankful that she does.

7. I’m thankful that all my kids love books, even if they don’t treat the books that well (R and K leave them on the floor all the time, and they get stepped on). R’s reading is coming along, and A is devouring short chapter books. I gave her my Pippi Longstocking books last month.

8. I’m thankful that M is able to nurse and that I am able to make milk for him. He’s such a tubby baby! But a friend of mine wet through a traumatic labour and delivery. She’s had breastfeeding issues from the get-go. BUT – she’s doing amazing things that I wouldn’t have had the patience for, and her strength about all the challenges is enormous. And it makes me thankful that I’m able to nurse M. We have issues at times, but those pale in comparison to what she’s going through. I also hope that it gets easier for her soon.

9. I’m thankful that I can bake. No, really! If we need bread, I bake it. Even tortilla’s I love to make things from scratch, or from scratch with some help (a package of noodles and sauce just needs some fresh ingredients to pep it up). Hopefully I can find a GOOD bread recipe that’s wheat-free. Who knew you could buy xantham gum!

10. I’m thankful for this house. It was a hard transition for me, but it’s great here

I have missed our old street, where we knew the neighbours and had fun with them. I chatted with other moms at the bus stop, we had Christmas get-togethers, etc.

But we were invited to a neighbour Christmas party on our new street, and it was wonderful to meet those that we’ve only waved to, and those we briefly saw when trick-or-treating! There’s even one family that also has a girl and them three boys Their youngest is seven, the same age as A.

The cutest part is that it was the MEN that were passing M around, not the women! The hostess snuggled him a bit, bit a few of tw dads did too. I think it took them back to when their kids were younger.

It was also nice to talk to actual adults. Seriously, I miss that and I often feel weird when trying to have a conversation with an adult. It’s like my brain clicks off or I start to feel insecure.

A nice night for sure!

(helps to make up for the terrible behaviour three of my kids have been displaying – A gets mad so easily, R whines a lot and K is a pest – they seem to all be mean to each other and have not an ounce of compassion … but that’s a vent for another day!)